fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
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Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
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I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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