Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Randomize
