No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
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