woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
