Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
