I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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