JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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