Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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