Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
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