Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
