I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
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It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
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Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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