Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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