I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Randomize
