is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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