I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
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