Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
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