giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
