I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Randomize
