I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
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