hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
