Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
