My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
