dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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