Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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