Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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