Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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