and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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