Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
