Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
