So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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