my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Randomize
