My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
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