we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
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Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
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