peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
