I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
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He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
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His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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