i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
