my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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