the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
