Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
