If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Randomize
