my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
BRING THE BAGELS
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
