I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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