he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
