I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
