I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
