Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
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