yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
honey bunches of taint.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Randomize
