I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
