Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
