I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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