So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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