im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Randomize
