You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.