Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.