Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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